Premeditation

Last night I had thought of a great blog topic (or at least it seemed great at the moment, and it was something I really wanted to write about) but then today as soon as I remembered I had something I wanted to write about, I realized that I had forgotten already! Bummmmmmer!

Which makes me wonder, do people usually discover a topic that they want to write about in the course of the day or do they just sit down and pick something that has been on their minds? Stuff that is on my mind is mostly very mundane or problems that would make me too vulnerable..I don't yet have the courage to expose myself like that.

In the past year or so, I have realized how much premeditation people do. It's a very smart thing, to think about what you are going to do before hand. It's something that I almost never, ever did before college. But looking back, I wish someone had told me that you should really plan out things and envision how you want to live it out.

I never sat down to think, what are all the possible jobs I want, how would I get there. I never thought about, here's what I want to be apart of once I get to college, what is it that I want to accomplish while I'm in college, what is the purpose of me going to college. I just thought spontaneity was the way to go and I never really considered any other route. Either that or I just went with the obvious things and never really thought beyond that. As in, I'm going to college to learn, and I never considered any secondary motives that I ought to strive towards. And some things I just knew too little about to make plans for, but I never tried to educate myself more in those areas.

This is really awful, stupid and lazy of me but one thing I REALLY should have done was research colleges. Before I applied, everything sounded exactly the same but this is probably because I didn't look deep enough. Maybe I still wouldn't have been able to make much from it but there is so much that I've found out that sounds cool to me now that I'm already in college. I don't blame myself too much for this though because before you are in college, it isn't apparent what certain differences might mean for you as a student. Ahhh maybe I am just bad at inferences. In any case, I might have ended up here anyway because I doubt I would have found a reputable source that could have warned me, "Penn is a place filled with stuck-up snobs and like-minded students who are filled with condescension towards any deviation from the norm."

I just didn't want to take all those student opinions like "women at Penn are rated a C-" for a given because that is just the average and can't I make my college experience anything I want to once I've gotten there? It's a damn sight harder than I thought it would be.

But there is still no excuse for applying ED. I was scared that I couldn't get into any place that my parents would consider "good" otherwise. I have problems with believing in myself, and for good reasons too.

I wish I had had some sort of mentor whom I had trusted who had known about a good deal about every school and told me all about it.